I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Someone shit on the floor
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
