i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
