The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
