We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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