Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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