where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
