You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
