No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
