Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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