You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You were trust falling into bushes
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
