Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
