i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
