smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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