Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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