so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
