I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
