Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
