I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
