One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
