You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
