Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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