that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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