Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Bring me that man meat
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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