I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
