I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
you are never too drunk for berry picking
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
