i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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