the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
