bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
