I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
