First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
