No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
