Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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