Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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