I want to make a zoo with you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
