im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
