wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize