Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
