I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
