cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
