dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
