Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
