I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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