im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
3 2 1 whiskey
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
