Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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