there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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