apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
