For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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