i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
