Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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