apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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