You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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