please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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