I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
