I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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