Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
