I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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