When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
