i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The beer is more important than you right now.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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