New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
