I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
